Friday, August 6, 2010

I bought some chinese sex tea

So last night me and this chick Im banging and living with who may or may not be my gf depending on her mood and the day of the week, decided to go down to the asian grocery store to pick up some noodles. Now if you've never been to an asian grocery store its basically aisle upon aisle of noodles and rice as you might imagine. Tucked between the noodles and rice though is the tea section. Well buddy, Ive never stopped to check out the tea before but today something made me pause. There on the shelf between jasmine and dieters tea was a box with a naked guy flexing his muscles. exotic chinese writing piqued my curiousity while in big bold english letters the words "Potent man Tea" made me gasp in disbelief. Could this tea really make me more potent? could it make my boner bigger than it already is? This sounded ludicris! I had to try it. So I looked at my woman, grabbed her ass and said " we gonna make a baby tonight bitch!"
Then I walked up to the counter to pay for my new treasure. In my head all I could think about was ancient chinese secrets like the kind that made your clothes really clean and turned mogwais into gremlins. I aksed the lady " will this make us a baby?" she just looked at me confused, so I winked and said " we wanna make a baby, is this what we need?" she just smiled and ignored me. I dont know if she didnt understand my english or maybe because of FDA law she couldnt come right out and tell me that this tea would make my boner swell to an ungodly size and make my jizz taste like candy canes. Anyway, back at the house i couldnt wait to get started.

I took the cup of tea and sipped it gingerly at first. I didnt want to go overboard. my boner is pretty dangerous as it is, no need in anyone getting hurt over this. It was ok, tasted like any other hot tea. I waited a bit and sipped a little more. after a few minutes I said fuck it and downed the whole cup. Now I sat and waited. after about 15 minutes I thought this might be horseapples and I imagined a sneaky chinaman giggling saying "me chinese! Me play joke!" Well brother let me tell you something after 15 minutes I started to feel a warm tingle in my pants which grew and swelled into an uncontrollable urge as I ran to the bathroom. I pulled down my pants in anticipation. then It happened. I exploded...... out of my ass. I pooped like no tomorrow. This is what chinamen confuse for virility? really? I had to shit my guts out! No way. this is a ripoff! they should of called this Poopen man tea not potent man tea! No boners just diarrhea, the story of my life.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Holy Shit! It's Beef Supreme!

I was watching idiocracy the other day and the scene with Beef Supreme came on. I was like HolyShit, I wish my name was Beef Supreme, then the dude came out and he was wearing shiny gold and had like a beard and long hair and a flamethrower. I was thinking, Fuck, I should try to live my life more like Beef Supreme, I mean, Dude has long hair and a beard, He doesnt give a fuck, Plus he has a flamethrower. If i had a flamethrower Id probably just waste it burning stupid shit like bushes or like outhouses or something. Beef Supreme would use it to burn down police stations, because thats just what awesome people do. Plus I bet he gets alot of pussy. I think the moral of the story here, is that we should try to live our lives more like a 4th tier character in a C list saturday night live movie.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fuck Birds, or Jesus Rode a Dinsosaur

So i used to like birds. I thought blue jays were pretty and I liked to hear birds chirping and singing. Then I realized that all birds were descended from dinosaurs. This disturbed me but if you look closely, birds are creepy, they jerk their heads around and have soulless eyes. Now whenever I eat some bojangles chicken fingers I relish the thought that here I am millions of years later exacting payback for my cavemen ancestors who had to fight dinosaurs. I know they say cavemen didnt live with dinosaurs but thats bullshit cuz I watched a christian show that proved that jesus was real because dragons from mythology were really leftover dinosaurs. Im not sure how their logic extrapolated that to prove that jesus existed but it made sense at the time. anyway, fuck birds. when I see a baby bird fall out of its nest. I feed it to my dogs. they are delicious

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fetus in ur drinking water

So the other day the waste water treatment place found a fetus in one of the screens at the plant. I guess it screens out bigger waste first or something. Now my gf wont drink public water because she thinks its fouled with dead baby juice or something. anyway, it was a big deal and they were trying to figure out where it came from, but then they found out it was born dead. It would freak me out if they could trace your poop back to your house, but anyway, I think she would be more concerned about the diarhhea that came out of my butt the other day than about a dead fetus. Also what kind of person just flushes a stillborn fetus? man thats harsh , at least put in a shoebox & bury it in the yard.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Adventures in Diarrhea

To follow up on the panties turd party post from yesterday I figured I would describe my adventures in diarrhea that I had last night. It started of like a normal night, I came home and picked up my gf so we could go to the asian grocery store to pick up a few things. Everything seemed ok until we got inside the store, then I could feel my bowels rumbling. I hadnt eaten anything so I was confused. I told her we needed to get out fast as I felt my asshole was about to explode. After selecting some disgusting candy with heathen writing on the box we made a quick getaway. Back at home I sat on the toilet trying to evacuate my bowels but nothing was coming out. I felt like I had diarhea but even bracing myself with my feet on the wall and pushing as hard as I could nothing budged. WEIRD! It seemed I had constirrhea! I was constipated with diarrhea! anyway so I thought if I ate somethng maybe it would come out. so I ate some spring rolls and layed down to go to bed. A few hours later I awoke to find myself in a horrible predicament. I ran to the bathroom and after a few minutes of straining a veritable flood of disgusting brown filth exploded from my anus. It sounded like someone had poured a pitcher of water into the shitter. relieved I stood up, only to realize it wasnt over, I sat down and what might have been a blast from a giant super soaker sprayed from my backside, I would have laughed or been amazed if I didnt feel so sick. Well by this time I had taken my pants all the way off so I didnt get tangled up. My stomach was feeling weird and the stench of my ass waste wafted up to my delicate nostrils inducing me to gag. At first I thought I might be able to hold it back but like my asshole my stomach offered up its gift to the toilet as i wretched an never ending stream of spring roll, pepto bismol and what tasted like a hamburger i ate on sunday. As i was wretching I felt the warm wetness start to run down my leg, I had tried to clench my anus but it did no good, as I was puking I had shit all over myself. It was horrible. Just then my girlfriend peeked in the bathroom as I lay on the floor with no pants and shit running down my legs and purple pepto bismol puke on my face.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Man Kutz

As you may or may not know i had a horrible experience getting my hair cut at walmart once. I ended up looking like Jim carrey in Dumb & Dumber. So as you can imagine, I decided to find a new budget friendly place to get my haircut. As i was hunting a good $10 haircut, I discovered a place called "Sports Clips" Im not sure what sports have to do with hair cuts but apparently they are closely linked. I think you can get your hair cut while watching sports. I think some woman came up with the idea as every woman knows men are totally obsessed with sports and anything with the word"sports" in it is immediately recognized as virile and manly. Anyway, So last night I was at the gym workin on my fitness as fergie might say,and there was a husband and wife couple sporting the same haircut. I wondered if maybe they both got their buz cuts at Sports Clips. then it hit me, Lesbians and weird couples who have the same haircut need a place to get their hair styled! I would name this place " MAN KUTZ" then old ladies, Lesbians, and just weird couples could come in & get their hair cut like men, but not be subjected to the misogyny of a place like Sports Clips. I think im gonna be a fuckin millionaire.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

How to become immortal using Cherry Coke zero

So the other day I was in my disgustingly dirty kitchen and I thought to myself. Jesus Christ! I sure do drink alot of Coke Cherry zero. I mean its delicious, has a hint of cherry and has zero fuckin calories! You cant beat that shit. Anyway, so lately Ive been going through about 4 fridge packs a week. That adds up to alot of aluminum cans. What Ive been thinking is that I should save all these cans in a giant receptacle in my garage. Once I have a good number of them, I figured I could melt them using a blowtorch. once they are melted down, Im not really sure what i would do with them. I could make a mold out of clay and pour the molten aluminum out into the shape of a sword. Probably one with skulls on it. Speaking of swords with skulls, you would think Skeletor would have a skull on his sword but he doesnt, its just the same sword they use for every other character except its purple. Granted he does have a skull on his staff, which is pretty awesome. Anyway, once I make this sword out of old coke cherry zero cans, I vcould go on quest to find an immortal. Kind of like the Highlander, but hopefully one that doesnt know how to sword fight, because even though I took fencing classes in high school, I doubt I could beat a real deal swordsman in a fair fight. Once I cut off his head then I would become immortal. All thanks to Coke Cherry Zero.