Popcorn is the Devil

I got one of these awesome giant tins of popcorn from the office holiday party last week. Its pretty sweet with an adorable winter scene of small children sledding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy as I fill my tummy with delicious cheese flavored popcorn and imagine myself frolicking in the snow with my friends. anyway, as i was corn guzzling this scrumptious treat I bite down a hard kernel. Instantly I knew i had made a mistake as i heard my tooth crack in half and land on my tongue. It was incredibly unsettling. fortunately this was a crown I had already made an appointment to fix on thursday . I thought for a second that I should probably put the popcorn down as it seemed a bit dangerous. But if you know me, you know that I rarely make a well thought out rational deciscion. I figured that I could still enjoy my treat by just using the other side of my mouth. Problem solved! It was about this time I bit down hard on another kernel. this time pain shot through my face. I had never experienced a sensation like this. It was truly terrifiying as I thought I had busted another tooth. Thank god it looks ok, but it had hit a nerve. How could such a holiday tradition that once brought laughter and delight turn on me and punish my chompers with so much pain and destruction. I had learned my lesson , I dumped the rest into the garbage can and vowed to never again partake in holiday popcorn.

Cow Titties

So if I look out my office window I can see the small pasture that butts up to my parking lot. There are about 5 cows hangin out by the fence. One of them has TIG OLE BITTIES! They are pretty extreme cow titties. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking about cow titties and being thankful that humans dont have nipples like cows. Cow nipples look like big pink ding dongs. I can imagine slurpin on some bewbs would be just like givin a dude a bj. I think it would either ruin the bewb sucking experience or it might turn more guys onto giving the old knob slob.

Craigslist fun

heres an ad I put on craigslist this morning. Sure to bring LOLs


body:I have one set of Truck Nutz exactly like the ones pictured below. I know these are quite popular with the rough and tumble classy line dancing crowd. sure to impress your friends. these come from a smoke free homosexual home and were never used outside the house or mounted on a vehicle, they are in great shape! What better way to teach the children of total strangers about the human anatomy then to put nutz on your 4 x 4 truck! just in time for christmas!! email me if interested!

Cool future shit, that isnt so ool anymore

So I was thinking about cool 70s movies i loved as a kid. Being a little kid in the 70s I loved the movie Logan's Run. I thought that shit was super bad assed. Basically there were no old people and once you turned 30 you would go into the big arena and you would get zapped by a laser. not really sure why you would just willingly let yourself be put to death once you turned 30 but the thought of no grown ups was pretty awesome. Also they had this kick ass pussy on demand setup, its kinda like your On Demand channel you have on your cable box now , except instead of a movie, you would scroll through until you found a hot chick or dood and then they would like teleport or something and then you would have dirty sex. Im not really sure how they teleported, but its in the future so who knows what kind of shit they invented. Now that i think about it, who the fuck invented this shit if everyone dies when they are 30. When i was 30 all I wanted to do was to go to hardcore shows, bang chubby chicks, and play ps2. but I digress. At the time the thought of no old people was kick ass. now Im old, I think that would be a totally bogus operation.

Pizza Dick

So this morning I was chowing down on a super awesome lean cuisine deluxe personal pizza. Only 300 calories! You know that shit is delicious. Anyway, I guess I got a little excited about it, because its now almost lunchtime and I just went to take a piss and got really scared when i pulled my monster schlong out and it had red stuff all over it. Almost fainted and was upset until I realized somehow I got pizza sauce on my vag master. I have no idea how I did it but I thought you guys might be amused by it. Ive got Pizza dick.

Shitting on Hardwood Floors

So my house has hardwood floors. They arent the nicest hardwood floors, they need to be refinished, But im not one of those guys who gets a boner over wood finishes so i could care less. Anyway so last night for dinner i had some french bread pizza. They werent Lean cuisine because those werent on sale at the Nestle thrift store and the regular pizzas were so I went ahead and bought those instead. Like a good master I gave part of my pizza to my puppies. They love to eat pizza, sometime I think they might be crazy italian dogs, like in the mafia cuz they love pizza so much. anyway, fast forward to midnight all of the sudden i dont feel so good, i have like cramps and gas. i notice my dog is whining and pacing so I let them out, but they come back inside. at this time im too concerned with my own bowels to really pay attention. Well all of the sudden i realize the stench i smell is not coming from my ass but from the living room! Sure enough there is a giant pile of steaming soup poop. OH MAN! i still have diarrhea of my own , so i scoop as much of it up as i can, and leave the rest. I just sprayed some febreze and opened the windows. I would normally spank and scold them for pooping in the house but I too was a victim of the french bread pizza so I cant really get mad. Anyway, thats the good thing about having hard wood floors. you can shit on them and let it wait till the next day to harden before you clean it up. Then you can just pick it up with your fingers.

New Years Eve with Will & Kyle 2007

this is an old blog from my myspace page, I wrote it new years 2007, I liked it enough to save & post here:


New Years Eve with Will & Kyle recap
Last night was alot of fun if you were one of the fags that decided they would rather stay at home and cuddle with their stufffed animals well this is just a little of what you missed out on.

1. PEE PEE!- Chris Harriss and Scott Dempsey came out and chris immediately got "Pee Pee'd" If you dont know what "Pee Pee" is, its a game that Chris Brooks and Ben Weiner made up in savannah. Basically you get really drunk, walk up to one of your friends (preferably when he's with a girl") yell "PEE PEE!" and then pour your drink on his crotch. Chris's wife who doesnt know us looked horrified and I imagine thats when chris decided he wanted to leave but it was all in good spirit. Later on Will decided to Pee Pee me then poured the remainder of our Long Island ice tea on his head.

2. Go to every station & wreck the DJ- I kept having these Nas lyrics running through my head all night so me & will decided we wanted to beat up the DJ. Zack said we would be fired if we beat him up but he also said he wanted us to start a fight, so like a small child with conflicting impulses, we decide to try & get the Dj to fight us. First I walked up to him when he was trying to act cool to some girls and grabbed a handful of his ass then turned and walked slowly away, He ran to stan & zack for help but quickly realized who i was so he just started laughing. Later after more long island ice tea me & will stepped up our game by stealing pizza out of the back room and chucking it at him while he was djing. I missed twice but will pegged him really good. Then as we left I bombed him with a full cup of Long island for good measure. He didnt try to fight us, but thats to be expected cuz he's a skinny punk that was in a frat & we are fat guys with tattoos.

3. Midnight kiss - Thank god for Neo Joye is all I have to say, I thought I was gonna have to kiss will at midnight since his wife decided not to show up and the two old road whores Samantha & Bob hung up on us after we said we were gonna go to Art Bar. Anyway at midnight I grabbed Neo joye - aka Jessica and made her kiss me, I dont think she really wanted to because I think zack is her new bf but I wasnt about to not kiss someone at midnight and i couldnt find stan anywhere.

4. Art Bar is for Choads- After being drunk at Group we decided to mix it up and go to Art Bar. I hadnt been there in awhile and had forgot how fucking gay the clientele there is. I went to art school so Ive hung out with my fair share of pretentious, self righteous, psuedo intellectuals, and thats exactly what you find at Art Bar. "look at me! I'm so alternative!" Yeah whatever loser, You are sooooo crazy with your mall bought "manic panic" hair dye. Like jawbreaker says " Crazy people are so fuckin boring" The one saving grace of art bar was shawna who is now my official crush, I cant remember the last time I had a crush on a white girl. High Five!

5. Ill gladly have sex with you tuesday for a cheeseburger today- just in case joye was hungry after a night of cocaine and art bar I stashed one lonely junior bacon cheeseburger at wills house in case she wanted to trade sex for cheeseburgers, which is what our normal arrangement is. fortunately for me she didnt show back up at will's house and I ate the shit out of that cheeseburger. it was good, and an excellent ending to a great night.