whale boners

If a whale is the biggest mammal shouldnt it have a super huge boner? i went to the georgia aquarium this weekend and saw a beluga wale. This whale didnt give a fuck about exposing its genitalia, It was just swimming around letting it all hang out. But despite its massive size, I couldnt see its boner. Could someone better versed in biology tell me why the whale got shafted like this and has a miniscule peepee

Diarrhea cha cha cha

ok so my roomate called me this morning she was like. You have a problem. Last night i wasnt at home so she was taking care of my puppies. apparently the dogs caught a squirrel and were so proud of it they wouldnt give it to her, just ran around the back yard munching on the tasty corpse. Anyway, so last night she lets the dogs in and goes to sleep. she said she woke up in the middle of the night to a horrible stench seeping under the door. Poor little petey got diarrhea from chewing on a rotted squirrel and had diarrhea all over the place. I was informed I would have to clean it up when I got home cuz she wasnt gonna touch it. This bums me out. I figured readers would enjoy this story as it has to do with feces and my misfortune

Popcorn is the Devil

I got one of these awesome giant tins of popcorn from the office holiday party last week. Its pretty sweet with an adorable winter scene of small children sledding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy as I fill my tummy with delicious cheese flavored popcorn and imagine myself frolicking in the snow with my friends. anyway, as i was corn guzzling this scrumptious treat I bite down a hard kernel. Instantly I knew i had made a mistake as i heard my tooth crack in half and land on my tongue. It was incredibly unsettling. fortunately this was a crown I had already made an appointment to fix on thursday . I thought for a second that I should probably put the popcorn down as it seemed a bit dangerous. But if you know me, you know that I rarely make a well thought out rational deciscion. I figured that I could still enjoy my treat by just using the other side of my mouth. Problem solved! It was about this time I bit down hard on another kernel. this time pain shot through my face. I had never experienced a sensation like this. It was truly terrifiying as I thought I had busted another tooth. Thank god it looks ok, but it had hit a nerve. How could such a holiday tradition that once brought laughter and delight turn on me and punish my chompers with so much pain and destruction. I had learned my lesson , I dumped the rest into the garbage can and vowed to never again partake in holiday popcorn.

Cow Titties

So if I look out my office window I can see the small pasture that butts up to my parking lot. There are about 5 cows hangin out by the fence. One of them has TIG OLE BITTIES! They are pretty extreme cow titties. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking about cow titties and being thankful that humans dont have nipples like cows. Cow nipples look like big pink ding dongs. I can imagine slurpin on some bewbs would be just like givin a dude a bj. I think it would either ruin the bewb sucking experience or it might turn more guys onto giving the old knob slob.

Craigslist fun

heres an ad I put on craigslist this morning. Sure to bring LOLs


body:I have one set of Truck Nutz exactly like the ones pictured below. I know these are quite popular with the rough and tumble classy line dancing crowd. sure to impress your friends. these come from a smoke free homosexual home and were never used outside the house or mounted on a vehicle, they are in great shape! What better way to teach the children of total strangers about the human anatomy then to put nutz on your 4 x 4 truck! just in time for christmas!! email me if interested!

Cool future shit, that isnt so ool anymore

So I was thinking about cool 70s movies i loved as a kid. Being a little kid in the 70s I loved the movie Logan's Run. I thought that shit was super bad assed. Basically there were no old people and once you turned 30 you would go into the big arena and you would get zapped by a laser. not really sure why you would just willingly let yourself be put to death once you turned 30 but the thought of no grown ups was pretty awesome. Also they had this kick ass pussy on demand setup, its kinda like your On Demand channel you have on your cable box now , except instead of a movie, you would scroll through until you found a hot chick or dood and then they would like teleport or something and then you would have dirty sex. Im not really sure how they teleported, but its in the future so who knows what kind of shit they invented. Now that i think about it, who the fuck invented this shit if everyone dies when they are 30. When i was 30 all I wanted to do was to go to hardcore shows, bang chubby chicks, and play ps2. but I digress. At the time the thought of no old people was kick ass. now Im old, I think that would be a totally bogus operation.

Pizza Dick

So this morning I was chowing down on a super awesome lean cuisine deluxe personal pizza. Only 300 calories! You know that shit is delicious. Anyway, I guess I got a little excited about it, because its now almost lunchtime and I just went to take a piss and got really scared when i pulled my monster schlong out and it had red stuff all over it. Almost fainted and was upset until I realized somehow I got pizza sauce on my vag master. I have no idea how I did it but I thought you guys might be amused by it. Ive got Pizza dick.