On Vampires and Cavemen

So I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling. My girlfriend was trying to touch my weiner but instead of thinking about boobies, my mind kept wandering to cavemen and how they dealt with vampires. I mean Im just going to take for granted that vampires are immortal so they were around when cavemen were. But what blew my mind was this. Where the fuck did cavemen vampires sleep!? Coffins weren't invented yet. You can see why this would be a big deal. without a coffin they would die in the sunlight. well unless they slept in a deep dark cave, but I would think all the caves were occupied by real cave mean or sabre tooth tigers. Im not sure a vampire would win in a fight with a sabre tooth tier, I mean Id imagine a werewolf and a sabre tooth tiger are about the same strength and size and werewolves can easily kill vampires as proven in the movie Underworld. So I guess my question is. Where the fuck did caveman vampires sleep?!

Human Kibble for Poor People

So I was daydreaming this morning as I heated up a lean cuisine for breakfast and i was thinking about what a pain in the ass it is having to try & decide what i wanted to eat for every meal. It would be so much easier if I didnt have to worry about whether i wanted a cheeseburger for breakfast or steak tips Dijon. My puppies eat the same thing every day and they love it. I feed them Ole Roy brand dog food from walmart. Its like $10 for a 20 pound bag or something. Then I thought, hell I should invent a dog food but for people. I could sell it in a 50 pound bag and each kibble would have everything a human needs to survive. Im not sure what it would be made out of , but it would be a mix of processed meats and vegetables. They have all kinds of different mixes for dogs, Like a special food for old dogs, a special food for small dogs, etc etc. Then it hit me! we give poor people billions of dollars worth of food stamps. it always pisses me off when I get behind poor people with food stamps at walmart because they always have like 3 shopping carts filled to the top. I still havent figured out why that is. AND THEY ARE FAT! so we are obviously feeding them too much. So instead of food stamps, each poor person will be given a 50 pound bag of my Human Kibble. If you are too poor to buy your own food, then you shouldnt be upset at eating human kibble. Plus it would be formulated to be nutritious and maybe these fat asses would lose some weight or be motivated to go get a job so they can afford cheeseburgers. I'm a fuckin genius

Horses are the greatest animals ever

So as I was riding my bike to work this morning, my mind was wandering. As I passed by a pasture full of horses I thought to myself, I bet the the horse is the greatest animal ever. I mean you can ride a horse, you can eat it once it gets old, you can make it into glue, You can train it to trample people on the battlefield, lots of women enjoy having sex with horses, it goes on and on. But then I thought hey , i wonder what kind of maniac cave man was chillin and saw a horse & thought, Im gonna catch that motherfucker, then Im gonna jump on its back and Im gonna ride that bitch all over this fuckin forest. I dunno about you, but horses are pretty big and they scare me. That was probably one wild assed caveman. I bet he would be hell of fun to party with. we would drink caveman beer made out of berries or some shit, get wasted & throw rocks & spears and chase pigs or something.

whale boners

If a whale is the biggest mammal shouldnt it have a super huge boner? i went to the georgia aquarium this weekend and saw a beluga wale. This whale didnt give a fuck about exposing its genitalia, It was just swimming around letting it all hang out. But despite its massive size, I couldnt see its boner. Could someone better versed in biology tell me why the whale got shafted like this and has a miniscule peepee

Diarrhea cha cha cha

ok so my roomate called me this morning she was like. You have a problem. Last night i wasnt at home so she was taking care of my puppies. apparently the dogs caught a squirrel and were so proud of it they wouldnt give it to her, just ran around the back yard munching on the tasty corpse. Anyway, so last night she lets the dogs in and goes to sleep. she said she woke up in the middle of the night to a horrible stench seeping under the door. Poor little petey got diarrhea from chewing on a rotted squirrel and had diarrhea all over the place. I was informed I would have to clean it up when I got home cuz she wasnt gonna touch it. This bums me out. I figured readers would enjoy this story as it has to do with feces and my misfortune

Popcorn is the Devil

I got one of these awesome giant tins of popcorn from the office holiday party last week. Its pretty sweet with an adorable winter scene of small children sledding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy as I fill my tummy with delicious cheese flavored popcorn and imagine myself frolicking in the snow with my friends. anyway, as i was corn guzzling this scrumptious treat I bite down a hard kernel. Instantly I knew i had made a mistake as i heard my tooth crack in half and land on my tongue. It was incredibly unsettling. fortunately this was a crown I had already made an appointment to fix on thursday . I thought for a second that I should probably put the popcorn down as it seemed a bit dangerous. But if you know me, you know that I rarely make a well thought out rational deciscion. I figured that I could still enjoy my treat by just using the other side of my mouth. Problem solved! It was about this time I bit down hard on another kernel. this time pain shot through my face. I had never experienced a sensation like this. It was truly terrifiying as I thought I had busted another tooth. Thank god it looks ok, but it had hit a nerve. How could such a holiday tradition that once brought laughter and delight turn on me and punish my chompers with so much pain and destruction. I had learned my lesson , I dumped the rest into the garbage can and vowed to never again partake in holiday popcorn.

Cow Titties

So if I look out my office window I can see the small pasture that butts up to my parking lot. There are about 5 cows hangin out by the fence. One of them has TIG OLE BITTIES! They are pretty extreme cow titties. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking about cow titties and being thankful that humans dont have nipples like cows. Cow nipples look like big pink ding dongs. I can imagine slurpin on some bewbs would be just like givin a dude a bj. I think it would either ruin the bewb sucking experience or it might turn more guys onto giving the old knob slob.