Fuck Birds, or Jesus Rode a Dinsosaur

So i used to like birds. I thought blue jays were pretty and I liked to hear birds chirping and singing. Then I realized that all birds were descended from dinosaurs. This disturbed me but if you look closely, birds are creepy, they jerk their heads around and have soulless eyes. Now whenever I eat some bojangles chicken fingers I relish the thought that here I am millions of years later exacting payback for my cavemen ancestors who had to fight dinosaurs. I know they say cavemen didnt live with dinosaurs but thats bullshit cuz I watched a christian show that proved that jesus was real because dragons from mythology were really leftover dinosaurs. Im not sure how their logic extrapolated that to prove that jesus existed but it made sense at the time. anyway, fuck birds. when I see a baby bird fall out of its nest. I feed it to my dogs. they are delicious

Fetus in ur drinking water

So the other day the waste water treatment place found a fetus in one of the screens at the plant. I guess it screens out bigger waste first or something. Now my gf wont drink public water because she thinks its fouled with dead baby juice or something. anyway, it was a big deal and they were trying to figure out where it came from, but then they found out it was born dead. It would freak me out if they could trace your poop back to your house, but anyway, I think she would be more concerned about the diarhhea that came out of my butt the other day than about a dead fetus. Also what kind of person just flushes a stillborn fetus? man thats harsh , at least put in a shoebox & bury it in the yard.

Adventures in Diarrhea

To follow up on the panties turd party post from yesterday I figured I would describe my adventures in diarrhea that I had last night. It started of like a normal night, I came home and picked up my gf so we could go to the asian grocery store to pick up a few things. Everything seemed ok until we got inside the store, then I could feel my bowels rumbling. I hadnt eaten anything so I was confused. I told her we needed to get out fast as I felt my asshole was about to explode. After selecting some disgusting candy with heathen writing on the box we made a quick getaway. Back at home I sat on the toilet trying to evacuate my bowels but nothing was coming out. I felt like I had diarhea but even bracing myself with my feet on the wall and pushing as hard as I could nothing budged. WEIRD! It seemed I had constirrhea! I was constipated with diarrhea! anyway so I thought if I ate somethng maybe it would come out. so I ate some spring rolls and layed down to go to bed. A few hours later I awoke to find myself in a horrible predicament. I ran to the bathroom and after a few minutes of straining a veritable flood of disgusting brown filth exploded from my anus. It sounded like someone had poured a pitcher of water into the shitter. relieved I stood up, only to realize it wasnt over, I sat down and what might have been a blast from a giant super soaker sprayed from my backside, I would have laughed or been amazed if I didnt feel so sick. Well by this time I had taken my pants all the way off so I didnt get tangled up. My stomach was feeling weird and the stench of my ass waste wafted up to my delicate nostrils inducing me to gag. At first I thought I might be able to hold it back but like my asshole my stomach offered up its gift to the toilet as i wretched an never ending stream of spring roll, pepto bismol and what tasted like a hamburger i ate on sunday. As i was wretching I felt the warm wetness start to run down my leg, I had tried to clench my anus but it did no good, as I was puking I had shit all over myself. It was horrible. Just then my girlfriend peeked in the bathroom as I lay on the floor with no pants and shit running down my legs and purple pepto bismol puke on my face.

Man Kutz

As you may or may not know i had a horrible experience getting my hair cut at walmart once. I ended up looking like Jim carrey in Dumb & Dumber. So as you can imagine, I decided to find a new budget friendly place to get my haircut. As i was hunting a good $10 haircut, I discovered a place called "Sports Clips" Im not sure what sports have to do with hair cuts but apparently they are closely linked. I think you can get your hair cut while watching sports. I think some woman came up with the idea as every woman knows men are totally obsessed with sports and anything with the word"sports" in it is immediately recognized as virile and manly. Anyway, So last night I was at the gym workin on my fitness as fergie might say,and there was a husband and wife couple sporting the same haircut. I wondered if maybe they both got their buz cuts at Sports Clips. then it hit me, Lesbians and weird couples who have the same haircut need a place to get their hair styled! I would name this place " MAN KUTZ" then old ladies, Lesbians, and just weird couples could come in & get their hair cut like men, but not be subjected to the misogyny of a place like Sports Clips. I think im gonna be a fuckin millionaire.

How to become immortal using Cherry Coke zero

So the other day I was in my disgustingly dirty kitchen and I thought to myself. Jesus Christ! I sure do drink alot of Coke Cherry zero. I mean its delicious, has a hint of cherry and has zero fuckin calories! You cant beat that shit. Anyway, so lately Ive been going through about 4 fridge packs a week. That adds up to alot of aluminum cans. What Ive been thinking is that I should save all these cans in a giant receptacle in my garage. Once I have a good number of them, I figured I could melt them using a blowtorch. once they are melted down, Im not really sure what i would do with them. I could make a mold out of clay and pour the molten aluminum out into the shape of a sword. Probably one with skulls on it. Speaking of swords with skulls, you would think Skeletor would have a skull on his sword but he doesnt, its just the same sword they use for every other character except its purple. Granted he does have a skull on his staff, which is pretty awesome. Anyway, once I make this sword out of old coke cherry zero cans, I vcould go on quest to find an immortal. Kind of like the Highlander, but hopefully one that doesnt know how to sword fight, because even though I took fencing classes in high school, I doubt I could beat a real deal swordsman in a fair fight. Once I cut off his head then I would become immortal. All thanks to Coke Cherry Zero.

On Vampires and Cavemen

So I was laying in bed last night staring at the ceiling. My girlfriend was trying to touch my weiner but instead of thinking about boobies, my mind kept wandering to cavemen and how they dealt with vampires. I mean Im just going to take for granted that vampires are immortal so they were around when cavemen were. But what blew my mind was this. Where the fuck did cavemen vampires sleep!? Coffins weren't invented yet. You can see why this would be a big deal. without a coffin they would die in the sunlight. well unless they slept in a deep dark cave, but I would think all the caves were occupied by real cave mean or sabre tooth tigers. Im not sure a vampire would win in a fight with a sabre tooth tier, I mean Id imagine a werewolf and a sabre tooth tiger are about the same strength and size and werewolves can easily kill vampires as proven in the movie Underworld. So I guess my question is. Where the fuck did caveman vampires sleep?!

Human Kibble for Poor People

So I was daydreaming this morning as I heated up a lean cuisine for breakfast and i was thinking about what a pain in the ass it is having to try & decide what i wanted to eat for every meal. It would be so much easier if I didnt have to worry about whether i wanted a cheeseburger for breakfast or steak tips Dijon. My puppies eat the same thing every day and they love it. I feed them Ole Roy brand dog food from walmart. Its like $10 for a 20 pound bag or something. Then I thought, hell I should invent a dog food but for people. I could sell it in a 50 pound bag and each kibble would have everything a human needs to survive. Im not sure what it would be made out of , but it would be a mix of processed meats and vegetables. They have all kinds of different mixes for dogs, Like a special food for old dogs, a special food for small dogs, etc etc. Then it hit me! we give poor people billions of dollars worth of food stamps. it always pisses me off when I get behind poor people with food stamps at walmart because they always have like 3 shopping carts filled to the top. I still havent figured out why that is. AND THEY ARE FAT! so we are obviously feeding them too much. So instead of food stamps, each poor person will be given a 50 pound bag of my Human Kibble. If you are too poor to buy your own food, then you shouldnt be upset at eating human kibble. Plus it would be formulated to be nutritious and maybe these fat asses would lose some weight or be motivated to go get a job so they can afford cheeseburgers. I'm a fuckin genius

Horses are the greatest animals ever

So as I was riding my bike to work this morning, my mind was wandering. As I passed by a pasture full of horses I thought to myself, I bet the the horse is the greatest animal ever. I mean you can ride a horse, you can eat it once it gets old, you can make it into glue, You can train it to trample people on the battlefield, lots of women enjoy having sex with horses, it goes on and on. But then I thought hey , i wonder what kind of maniac cave man was chillin and saw a horse & thought, Im gonna catch that motherfucker, then Im gonna jump on its back and Im gonna ride that bitch all over this fuckin forest. I dunno about you, but horses are pretty big and they scare me. That was probably one wild assed caveman. I bet he would be hell of fun to party with. we would drink caveman beer made out of berries or some shit, get wasted & throw rocks & spears and chase pigs or something.

whale boners

If a whale is the biggest mammal shouldnt it have a super huge boner? i went to the georgia aquarium this weekend and saw a beluga wale. This whale didnt give a fuck about exposing its genitalia, It was just swimming around letting it all hang out. But despite its massive size, I couldnt see its boner. Could someone better versed in biology tell me why the whale got shafted like this and has a miniscule peepee

Diarrhea cha cha cha

ok so my roomate called me this morning she was like. You have a problem. Last night i wasnt at home so she was taking care of my puppies. apparently the dogs caught a squirrel and were so proud of it they wouldnt give it to her, just ran around the back yard munching on the tasty corpse. Anyway, so last night she lets the dogs in and goes to sleep. she said she woke up in the middle of the night to a horrible stench seeping under the door. Poor little petey got diarrhea from chewing on a rotted squirrel and had diarrhea all over the place. I was informed I would have to clean it up when I got home cuz she wasnt gonna touch it. This bums me out. I figured readers would enjoy this story as it has to do with feces and my misfortune