Washing your hand after handling your junk

I dont really understand what the big deal is with washing your hands after you take a piss. Its not like my dick is in fested with deadly bacteria thats gonna give me cancer or some shit, and even if it is, I really dont care. If its good enough for my dick, then its good enough for my hands. I mean, I know alot of girls who dont think anything of jamming it in their mouth & running their tongue all over it but if you ask the same girl to lick a toilet seat she would act like it was the grossest thing ever. Plus you think cave men ever washed their hands? fuck no! I bet those hairy motherfuckers would run around with at least a half pound of turds caught up in their scraggly ass hair,, Those fuckers didnt even use toilet paper. I dunno about you but I hear all these right wing dudes talk about getting back to old time values, well thats about as old time as it gets. Limpia su mano??? get the fuck out! I dont need to wash my fuckin hands. Cave men, motherfuckers, think about it. Im pretty sure a cave man could kick my ass.

Baby Powder Balls

So its summer time now and that means one thing. Sweaty Balls. This time of year I often get an annoying rash on my taint and balls from them being cooped up in my drawers all day. One of the most effective ways to combat this is to powder them up with alot of baby powder. I mean just roll the dough in the flour like you would a meaty turkey leg you were about to fry. What Im wondering though, Is how you ladies feel when you pull out a set of wrinkly testicles and find them slathered in Baby Gold Bond medicated powder. Do you enjoy the fresh medicated smell or would you rather have them musty & sweaty with a slightly salty twang to them? Do you mind the mediciney taste? Lets talk about this. I myself enjoy the slight burn of medicated powder on my noogla-jays.

Banana Gobblers

So i go out to this club friday night and get crazy wasted. I was hitting on this super cute black girl, but before I got a chance to really snuggle up and buy her a drink I got totally snaked by some frat dood. go figure. Anyway, so halfway through the night they have some kind of crazy contest where all these dewds get up on stage, peel a banana and hold it near their crotch like its their boner. then all these girls line up, put their hnads behind their backs and see who can eat the banana the fastest. it was pretty dope , some chubby asian girl won. I mean go figure, who woulda thought the fat girl could gobble the banana the fastest. I think from now on, Im gonna use the term Banana Gobbler as derogatory term for a dirty whore.

You Got Served!

So I'm sitting here at my desk staring at this banner ad that has some dude doing a crazy dance looped over & over again. I cant stop staring at it, Its like I'm hypnotized. I'm pretty sure no one dances like this in real life. But It got me thinking, man, dancing is a really weird thing to do. I mean Ive never seen a monkey spontaneously bust into a moonwalk, and thats something I do regularly for no reason at all. Why the fuck do people dance? I mean no other animals do it and it really serves no purpose. Imagine watching a videotape of some cracked out bitches raving with the sound turned off and it suddenly seems pretty ridiculous. The more I think about it the more its disturbing me. I keep thinking of that movie "You got Served" where dudes settle fights by dancing. Imagine if there were monkey wars in the jungle where these monkeys would start doing headspins & shit. Oh man that would be epic. I hope one day national Geographic would film some crazy shit like that. Would totally destroy that "Battle at Kruger" bullshit

*69 and the use of proper phone etiquette

When low class motherfuckers return a missed call and the first thing they demand is " Who is this?" Shit infuriates the fuck outta me. Seriously, You called me! Who the fuck are you? Even if you are just calling back a number from *69 that you missed , the polite & proper way to handle this situation is to say " Hi, I just missed a call from your number, may I help you?" Fuckin redneck trash will always say " Who is this? " what the fuck? makes me so mad. Seriously if you wanted to know who it was you shoulda answered your phone when I called you the first time.

Internet girlfriends and breaking up in the digital age

So im really bumming hard right now. so i met this girl here on the B9 and I was so stoked on her I asked her if she wanted to be my internet gf. Granted Im like 15 years older than she is and about 400 miles away but Ive overcome bigger challenges so i figured Id give it a shot. I wasnt even phased by the fact that she said she doesnt have sex, I mean i did lurk her you tube account and got to watch a pretty dope video of her dancing in some panties. so i figured I might not have to work that hard. Anyway so after flirting back and forth for a few weeks she send me a link to some stick am site, Im an old dude and i dont really understand all theses new fangled fancy internet things, but it was like some kind of web cam setup, so im like hell yeah, maybe im gonna see some boobies. well, anyway there were like 4 dudes logged on , WTF! Like whats goin on? I thought I was suppossed to be her internet bf but there all these dudes logged onto her webcam show. anyway, so i go on the chat & im like " hey babay! i miss you" and she's like what are you talkin about? i guess one of the dudes logged on was her other internet bf or something. I was totally dissed and heartbroken. She totally denied i was her internet bf. And I didnt even get to see her boobs on the internet webcam. I think Im gonna go eat a french bread pizza now to make me feel better

Why we should save our oil reserves

so I hear Rush limbaugh crying about how we need to tap into more of our oil reserves & everyone is complaining because it costs $100 to fill up the tanks in their hummers. But the thing is that we need to save these for an emergency. Like as a last resort. Just because some soccer mom is bummed its expensive to drive her tank to the mall does not constitute an emergency. I think what we need to think about is how in 15 years China or Russia might pull some fuckin Red Dawn shit and I'm gonna be shootin Aks up in the mountains with patrick swayze tryin to kill chinamen and we arent gonna be able to fuel our tanks and jeep 4x4s cuz we were bummed about $4 a gallon gas back in 2008. Seriously. red dawn dudes. think about it.

California Uber allies

This morning started off like most mornings, I woke up, I brushed my teeth, I put on a clean Ralph Lauren button-up dress shirt, extra starch please! Got into my BMW coupe and turned on the sirius satellite radio. Dead Kennedy's are blasting as i drive to my 9 to 5 middle management job. Im moshin. California Uber allies. As I sing along the reality of my situation sets in. What the fuck happened? How did it come to this? I hear Screeching Wasel singing in the back of my head " We become what we hate". I guess it happens to the best of us. Fuck.

SRS BIZ in my hood

So apparently my neighborhood has gone ape shit crazy this week, and by my neighborhood I mean the 3 streets and 2 cul de sacs in the small lower middle class subdivision where i am a proud homeowner. Anyway Apparently some chick got raped by some black guy who jumped out of the bushes, kicked her ass & then had sex with her, Then the same day the mexican apartments across the road caught on fire, which was pretty exciting, but the real crazy news is not one but two fucking people were attacked by a fox in my neighborhood this week. Yes I said a fucking FOX. They are warning everyone to stay inside. Also the news just informed me its rattlesnake mating season. SRS fuckin BIZNESS!

Vampire Blowjobs

Do you think she would just chomp down on the motherfucker? I mean if I was a girl vampire gettin a dude hard would be the best idea ever cuz all of the blood pumpin into your fuck sausage, as soon as she cut that bitch open blood would spray everywhere. If I was a girl vampire Id do a sexy dance & wiggle my vagina in the air, then Id grab the dudes boner & just bite it enough to cut it on the end, Id probably slap him inthe face or stick my finger in his butt to distract him from me cuttin his boner with my fangs, then you could just suck all the blood out like a giant boner straw. As a dude, I think this would be the best way to die from a vampire bite, You wouldnt notice it until you got light headed & you would be thinking, holy shit this is the best blowjob ever. but really youd just be about to pass out because of lack of blood.