Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Popcorn is the Devil

I got one of these awesome giant tins of popcorn from the office holiday party last week. Its pretty sweet with an adorable winter scene of small children sledding. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy as I fill my tummy with delicious cheese flavored popcorn and imagine myself frolicking in the snow with my friends. anyway, as i was corn guzzling this scrumptious treat I bite down a hard kernel. Instantly I knew i had made a mistake as i heard my tooth crack in half and land on my tongue. It was incredibly unsettling. fortunately this was a crown I had already made an appointment to fix on thursday . I thought for a second that I should probably put the popcorn down as it seemed a bit dangerous. But if you know me, you know that I rarely make a well thought out rational deciscion. I figured that I could still enjoy my treat by just using the other side of my mouth. Problem solved! It was about this time I bit down hard on another kernel. this time pain shot through my face. I had never experienced a sensation like this. It was truly terrifiying as I thought I had busted another tooth. Thank god it looks ok, but it had hit a nerve. How could such a holiday tradition that once brought laughter and delight turn on me and punish my chompers with so much pain and destruction. I had learned my lesson , I dumped the rest into the garbage can and vowed to never again partake in holiday popcorn.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Cow Titties

So if I look out my office window I can see the small pasture that butts up to my parking lot. There are about 5 cows hangin out by the fence. One of them has TIG OLE BITTIES! They are pretty extreme cow titties. Anyway, I was sitting here thinking about cow titties and being thankful that humans dont have nipples like cows. Cow nipples look like big pink ding dongs. I can imagine slurpin on some bewbs would be just like givin a dude a bj. I think it would either ruin the bewb sucking experience or it might turn more guys onto giving the old knob slob.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Craigslist fun

heres an ad I put on craigslist this morning. Sure to bring LOLs


body:I have one set of Truck Nutz exactly like the ones pictured below. I know these are quite popular with the rough and tumble classy line dancing crowd. sure to impress your friends. these come from a smoke free homosexual home and were never used outside the house or mounted on a vehicle, they are in great shape! What better way to teach the children of total strangers about the human anatomy then to put nutz on your 4 x 4 truck! just in time for christmas!! email me if interested!

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Friday, October 3, 2008

Cool future shit, that isnt so ool anymore

So I was thinking about cool 70s movies i loved as a kid. Being a little kid in the 70s I loved the movie Logan's Run. I thought that shit was super bad assed. Basically there were no old people and once you turned 30 you would go into the big arena and you would get zapped by a laser. not really sure why you would just willingly let yourself be put to death once you turned 30 but the thought of no grown ups was pretty awesome. Also they had this kick ass pussy on demand setup, its kinda like your On Demand channel you have on your cable box now , except instead of a movie, you would scroll through until you found a hot chick or dood and then they would like teleport or something and then you would have dirty sex. Im not really sure how they teleported, but its in the future so who knows what kind of shit they invented. Now that i think about it, who the fuck invented this shit if everyone dies when they are 30. When i was 30 all I wanted to do was to go to hardcore shows, bang chubby chicks, and play ps2. but I digress. At the time the thought of no old people was kick ass. now Im old, I think that would be a totally bogus operation.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Pizza Dick



So this morning I was chowing down on a super awesome lean cuisine deluxe personal pizza. Only 300 calories! You know that shit is delicious. Anyway, I guess I got a little excited about it, because its now almost lunchtime and I just went to take a piss and got really scared when i pulled my monster schlong out and it had red stuff all over it. Almost fainted and was upset until I realized somehow I got pizza sauce on my vag master. I have no idea how I did it but I thought you guys might be amused by it. Ive got Pizza dick.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Shitting on Hardwood Floors

So my house has hardwood floors. They arent the nicest hardwood floors, they need to be refinished, But im not one of those guys who gets a boner over wood finishes so i could care less. Anyway so last night for dinner i had some french bread pizza. They werent Lean cuisine because those werent on sale at the Nestle thrift store and the regular pizzas were so I went ahead and bought those instead. Like a good master I gave part of my pizza to my puppies. They love to eat pizza, sometime I think they might be crazy italian dogs, like in the mafia cuz they love pizza so much. anyway, fast forward to midnight all of the sudden i dont feel so good, i have like cramps and gas. i notice my dog is whining and pacing so I let them out, but they come back inside. at this time im too concerned with my own bowels to really pay attention. Well all of the sudden i realize the stench i smell is not coming from my ass but from the living room! Sure enough there is a giant pile of steaming soup poop. OH MAN! i still have diarrhea of my own , so i scoop as much of it up as i can, and leave the rest. I just sprayed some febreze and opened the windows. I would normally spank and scold them for pooping in the house but I too was a victim of the french bread pizza so I cant really get mad. Anyway, thats the good thing about having hard wood floors. you can shit on them and let it wait till the next day to harden before you clean it up. Then you can just pick it up with your fingers.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

New Years Eve with Will & Kyle 2007

this is an old blog from my myspace page, I wrote it new years 2007, I liked it enough to save & post here:


New Years Eve with Will & Kyle recap
Last night was alot of fun if you were one of the fags that decided they would rather stay at home and cuddle with their stufffed animals well this is just a little of what you missed out on.

1. PEE PEE!- Chris Harriss and Scott Dempsey came out and chris immediately got "Pee Pee'd" If you dont know what "Pee Pee" is, its a game that Chris Brooks and Ben Weiner made up in savannah. Basically you get really drunk, walk up to one of your friends (preferably when he's with a girl") yell "PEE PEE!" and then pour your drink on his crotch. Chris's wife who doesnt know us looked horrified and I imagine thats when chris decided he wanted to leave but it was all in good spirit. Later on Will decided to Pee Pee me then poured the remainder of our Long Island ice tea on his head.

2. Go to every station & wreck the DJ- I kept having these Nas lyrics running through my head all night so me & will decided we wanted to beat up the DJ. Zack said we would be fired if we beat him up but he also said he wanted us to start a fight, so like a small child with conflicting impulses, we decide to try & get the Dj to fight us. First I walked up to him when he was trying to act cool to some girls and grabbed a handful of his ass then turned and walked slowly away, He ran to stan & zack for help but quickly realized who i was so he just started laughing. Later after more long island ice tea me & will stepped up our game by stealing pizza out of the back room and chucking it at him while he was djing. I missed twice but will pegged him really good. Then as we left I bombed him with a full cup of Long island for good measure. He didnt try to fight us, but thats to be expected cuz he's a skinny punk that was in a frat & we are fat guys with tattoos.

3. Midnight kiss - Thank god for Neo Joye is all I have to say, I thought I was gonna have to kiss will at midnight since his wife decided not to show up and the two old road whores Samantha & Bob hung up on us after we said we were gonna go to Art Bar. Anyway at midnight I grabbed Neo joye - aka Jessica and made her kiss me, I dont think she really wanted to because I think zack is her new bf but I wasnt about to not kiss someone at midnight and i couldnt find stan anywhere.

4. Art Bar is for Choads- After being drunk at Group we decided to mix it up and go to Art Bar. I hadnt been there in awhile and had forgot how fucking gay the clientele there is. I went to art school so Ive hung out with my fair share of pretentious, self righteous, psuedo intellectuals, and thats exactly what you find at Art Bar. "look at me! I'm so alternative!" Yeah whatever loser, You are sooooo crazy with your mall bought "manic panic" hair dye. Like jawbreaker says " Crazy people are so fuckin boring" The one saving grace of art bar was shawna who is now my official crush, I cant remember the last time I had a crush on a white girl. High Five!

5. Ill gladly have sex with you tuesday for a cheeseburger today- just in case joye was hungry after a night of cocaine and art bar I stashed one lonely junior bacon cheeseburger at wills house in case she wanted to trade sex for cheeseburgers, which is what our normal arrangement is. fortunately for me she didnt show back up at will's house and I ate the shit out of that cheeseburger. it was good, and an excellent ending to a great night.

kyle score writes a letter to barbasol

I actually wrote this letter & sent it to every email address i could find on the Barbasol shaving Cream site. I cant wait to see what i get in reply:

The other day I picked up a can of barbasol at the local grocery store, Not really because its the best shaving cream but mainly because its a familiar brand that has been around my bathroom all my life. I didnt really pay any attention to the can and its been sitting in my cabinet for a few days until just now when I happened to glance at it and see the "Barbasol Real man" brand on the front. I thought to myself, what is that gay sounding crap? I instantly thought of some big gay lumberjack or something, the term "Real man" just sounded gay & made me uncomfortable. So i turned the can over to see what a "Real man" looked like and sure enough there was this Gary Hall jr. Guy who I've never heard of and he wasnt wearing a shirt! What the hell is that all about! I mean you are marketing shaving cream for men right!? what are you doing putting naked men on the can! Shouldnt you have a naked woman and be sponsoring Barbasol's "Real Woman" collector can? As if anyone collects shaving cream cans and if they do why would a guy want to collect a series of cans with dudes on them with no shirts?! I mean unless he is gay & thats your target audience. I was so disturbed by this that I took the time to look up your websight and get the email and address so I could write and complain and what the hell greets me on barbasol's main page is MORE SHIRTLESS MEN! And to make it even more sinister, the guy has shirtless children in towels hanging out with him! Has this guy just been bathing with these small children, I mean even if we assume that he is their father it is still un natural for a father to shower with 6 year old boys! What the hell is going on over there at Barbasol! I' am writing to tell you that barbasol will no longer be a familiar brand in my bathroom and i am going to send this message out to as many people as i can to urge them to not use your blatently homosexual and borderline child pornographic products.Thank you

Skinheads


What we have here is a fuckin masterpiece. it is the B side label to Youth of today's classic debut 7" Cant Close My Eyes on Positive Force records. This picture is awesome in so many ways. First. Its a fuckin skinhead doing a fuckin fastplant into the pit. That in itself is fuckin epic, but this skinhead has Xs on his hands, he is also about to bash his fellow skinheads in the brain with his crazy 80s deck, The deck even has grab rails on it! holy shit! This guy doesnt give a fuck about skateboarding in doc martins either. To make it even better, it appears this mosh pit is happening inside a school house somewhere and youth of Today have written their set list on a giant chalkboard. I dont even know what to say about this picture. i just stare at in awe for hours.

The Kyle Score edgebreak story

So alot of guys have asked for my edge break story so I figured now is as good a time as ever to tell you about it. I cant really remember when it was, I was sometime after I was in college at savannah. Im gonna guess around 97 or so, Im not sure , but like most edge break stories this one included a very pretty fliipino girl by the name of Kerri Weavil. Kerri had the nicest tits Ive ever seen, and one night we were out at a Rockafella's rave night and i was hangin out with kerri. For reasons I still dont know, I just decided it would be a good idea to get shit faced drunk. I had already massaged her boobs so I dunno why I thought getting wasted woud help me get on those puppies again , but anyway, she was drinking and I had a bad crush on her so I decided what the fuck, so I ordered a fuckin Icehouse. I thought something magical would happen but nothing did, so I had another, and another , until i had downed a 6 pack. By this time im pretty drunk, I cant really remember but I think I got to make out with Kerri in the parking lot, It was an over all good feeling. Well while I was inside at the rave, some random hippie walks up to me and says ' hey wanna do some acid?" What the fuck! I have never since had a complete stranger offer me free drugs, much less acid. Seeing as how i had already broke edge, i was like fuck yeah, so I took the acid. Now at the time this sounded like a great idea. until I started laughing, I wasnt sure what the fuck I was laughing at but I couldnt stop, apparently I was drunk & tripping and laughing hysterically for no reason and I guess the girls found this annoying so they loaded me up in their car and dropped me off at my friends house whose parents were out of town for the weekend. Everyone was asleep and kept yelling at me to shut the fuck up, but I coudnt stop laughing, I really wanted to because by now my face was hurting from having this crazy joker smile, i reember watching some cartoon about bugs and thinking it was the greatest thing ever. I laughed for like 6 hours straight, i remember staggering into the bathroom and staring at my face while I was laughing. i also remember their dog licking its ass across the room from me and the sound freaking me out because it sounded like it was coming from the top of my head. Anyway, somehow I finally fell asleep and woke up the next morning still tripping a little bit. I tried to reclaim the edge after that but its never the same afterwards.

This blog is offensive to women

Ok , so back in the day, and by back in the day I mean the golden years of hardcore, like 1995 you couldnt get away with saying misogynistic shit. Most dudes put the pussy on a pedestal. If you were a chick in hardcore you had it fuckin made. Didnt even matter if you were fat or ugly , dudes thought you were the coolest & would all try to date you. I never understood this shit.
Anyway, well one day i was at myrtle beach chillin on the strip & I went into one of those stores with all the iron on T shirts, I was stoked. I had the guy print up a shirt that said " Show me your tits" I got a pocket print done right in the middle so it wasnt huge but big enough if you were talkin to me you would notice it. I figured this shit would piss off so many people and if I was lucky Id maybe see some titties. Ok fast forward a month or two and Im moshin in DC, now DC is probably one of he more PC minded scenes in hardcore, there are all these groups like " Chicks up front " & shit & girrrrrl Power & other stupid shit, So I wear my show me your tits shirt to a show, I thiunk it was earth crisis, one king down, maybe strife and brothers keeper. It was a huge show. Anyway so im wearing it and some dude from one king down comes up and in a crazy yankee accent is all like " yo dood! me & the guys love your shirt yo!" hahaha. So I politely tell him thank you and make sure I mosh double hard during their set. Then some kinda hot, crooked tooth bitch walks up and slaps a sticker on my chest that says "this is offensive to women" I guess they keep rolls of those in their tampon bags or something & put them on things that make their vaginas bleed. Anyway as you can expect, instead of being upset , I was super stoked, and is the reason Im writing this story today. You guys get to say all kinds of dirty fucked up shit to girls today & no one even thinks twice. Its awesome!
Anyway, Another time I was wearing it and I went to this gay club in columbia called Metropolis, at the door was an old lady , like grandma old , I payed her my cover charge and then she just pulls up her shirt & shows me her tits, I was totally freaked out because her tits looked pretty good, and because i had forgot about my shirt. Anyway, I dont know where this blog is going except Im pretty sure its offensive to women.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Moms I Like to Fuck

Bangin moms can be fun, seems the last few years thats all I bang. Anyway, tryin to get into mommies vagina while there are lil rugrats running around can be a def problem. Little kids tend to cry alot when you leave them alone in another room, they also always want to bang on the door when its locked. One time i was bangin this mom while her kid was asleep on the floor, well he woke up but i didnt know because the room was pitch black, and he was 1 and a half years old so he couldnt talk yet. As i was plowing the meat tunnel, I feel a little baby hand slap my bare ass. It was a total boner kill. Im not sure but that might count as a three way. Same chick used to blow me under a blanket while the kid was sitting on the floor watching blues clues. Im pretty sure that might be against the law or something.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

The Art of Unlimited French Fries

Ok so my new girlfriend has 2 kids, I know its crazy thinking about me actually being in the company of small impressionable children, but Im pretty old so anyone I end up dating is gonna have popped out at least one kid, but she's cute and is really nice to me. Anyway, apparently there is this kids themed restaurant Red Robin, Im sure you've heard about it. Well anyway, my gf tells me that this place has unlimited french fries. WHAT THE FUCK! Why the fuck have i never eaten here. As soon as she told me this, I had a major fuckin hard on thinking of eating like 500 french fries in a sitting. So Im freakin out about unlimited french fries, and she tells me if I come over she will take me out to eat there. Helll fuck yeah, so me & her and the two lil kids jump in her Passat and head to Red Robin, The burgers were ok to sub standard but jesus fuckin christ i ate so many french fries. Am I the only person who didnt know about this?

Friday, August 15, 2008

My thoughts on Lycanthropy

If I was a werewolf I'd just eat peoples dogs. People would get mad & shit but not as mad as if I ate their babies. Thats probably why you dont see too many werewolves around today. They had no self control and would eat peoples babies, then the townsfolk would get all pissed, hunt them down & kill them. Yeah I think Id stick with small dogs, maybe try hunting livestock or wild deer, perhaps the occasional homeless dude or prostitute

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Batman pisses me off

Ok, so I saw the batman movie last night. All in all it was ok, but the one thing that really ruined the movie for me was the bitch that was suppossed to be batmans love interest. I mean what the fuck! I was an avid reader and collector of batman during the 80s, around the time frank millers the dark night came out but I dont remember batman having a girlfriend or anything, but maybe Im just forgetting about it. Anyway, what pissed me off was how fuckin ugly this bitch was. Seriously, she looked like her old ass face was melting. was she like 50 or something! I just couldnt suspend my disbelief that a good looking fuckin' ese like harvey dent and millionaire playboy who can fuck the whole russian ballet would both be in love with this nasty assed looking skank. She looked like an old hound dog with flappy jowls. She was so ugly it was making me mad. i said WTF out loud when the joker said she was beautiful. Seriously, hat the fuck was goin on with casting this worn out road whore.

What I hate about porno cut scenes

So it seems like every time, I got my weiner out watchin a classic like "Breakin em in #4" just as I feel like Im about to bust a mind blowing load, the camera cuts from some girls boobs flopping in a hypnotic cadence to a close up of like TT boy's face. Then I have to stop stroking and think of baseball or my friend Bathroom Monkey's hairy ass so i dont catch my nut lookin at another dudes face. Because that would be totally homo. Am i the only person who this happens to?

bangin fat chicks isnt all its cracked up to be

All this talk about fat girls reminds me of the one time i decided I was going to bang a fat girl. I had never done it before so I decided, what the fuck, Im gonna see if its fun or not. At the time I thought this was a terrific idea. So one night me & my roomates threw a super awesome keg party, well one of these girls we invited was a total scene wh.ore sl.ut who was pretty chubby. Anyway, we all started drinking and I went up to her and said "follow me down to the makeout room". Now the makeout room was this crazy room in the basement we had set up for the sole purpose of making out with girls. It had crazy shag carpet and a disco ball and I think it had a laser too. We also had a super giant 3 person bean bag chair. anyway, so me & this girl start making out & I pull off her shirt and I immediately see these huge nipples and her gut hangin out and instantly realize that this was not the great idea I had imagined. So Im thinking of how the fuck Im gonna get out of this cuz she's tugging my sausage through my pants. Well I caught a break & she says she has to piss real fast, maybe putting in her diagphram or spraying febreeze on her vag or something, I dunno. So she goes in the bathroom 2 feet away and I get up and bolt. I just run upstairs. Sure enough 5 minutes later she is following me. I dont know how I did it but I finally got her to lay down with my friends little brother who was like 15 and a video nerd and a virgin. I think she tried to have sex with him & even he wouldnt hit it. Fuck you know thats gotta suck. Ever since then I have never tried to fuck a fat girl.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

ok so me & the asian girl with the crazy baby daddy were rockin out playin Guitar hero last night, I was chugging cherry coke zero, and she was blasting vodka. Anyway about 10;30 she decides she wants some chicken wings, I had to get to bed because Im a responsible adult so I wished her good luck on her chicken wing hunt and sent her on her way. 30 minutes later I get a call. She said she had got a flat. So I get my chubby ass out of bed, Im rockin some old navy sleep pants with polar bears on them that my mom got me from christmas, put my tools in my truck and go out & find that crazy bitch has apparently ran over a curb or something at 60 mph. Anyway, Im geting cranky cuz Im an old man and need my sleep, so i fix that shit like talledega nights, and go back to get my beauty sleep. She heads off to continue her quest for chicken wings. fast forard another hour and she's knockin on my door. Guess what! she fuckin did the same shit & fucked up her spare! wtf! she was 2 miles away from my house. wtf! Check this stupid shit out. i swear my head is about to explode.
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Friday, June 27, 2008

Washing your hand after handling your junk

I dont really understand what the big deal is with washing your hands after you take a piss. Its not like my dick is in fested with deadly bacteria thats gonna give me cancer or some shit, and even if it is, I really dont care. If its good enough for my dick, then its good enough for my hands. I mean, I know alot of girls who dont think anything of jamming it in their mouth & running their tongue all over it but if you ask the same girl to lick a toilet seat she would act like it was the grossest thing ever. Plus you think cave men ever washed their hands? fuck no! I bet those hairy motherfuckers would run around with at least a half pound of turds caught up in their scraggly ass hair,, Those fuckers didnt even use toilet paper. I dunno about you but I hear all these right wing dudes talk about getting back to old time values, well thats about as old time as it gets. Limpia su mano??? get the fuck out! I dont need to wash my fuckin hands. Cave men, motherfuckers, think about it. Im pretty sure a cave man could kick my ass.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Baby Powder Balls

So its summer time now and that means one thing. Sweaty Balls. This time of year I often get an annoying rash on my taint and balls from them being cooped up in my drawers all day. One of the most effective ways to combat this is to powder them up with alot of baby powder. I mean just roll the dough in the flour like you would a meaty turkey leg you were about to fry. What Im wondering though, Is how you ladies feel when you pull out a set of wrinkly testicles and find them slathered in Baby Gold Bond medicated powder. Do you enjoy the fresh medicated smell or would you rather have them musty & sweaty with a slightly salty twang to them? Do you mind the mediciney taste? Lets talk about this. I myself enjoy the slight burn of medicated powder on my noogla-jays.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Banana Gobblers

So i go out to this club friday night and get crazy wasted. I was hitting on this super cute black girl, but before I got a chance to really snuggle up and buy her a drink I got totally snaked by some frat dood. go figure. Anyway, so halfway through the night they have some kind of crazy contest where all these dewds get up on stage, peel a banana and hold it near their crotch like its their boner. then all these girls line up, put their hnads behind their backs and see who can eat the banana the fastest. it was pretty dope , some chubby asian girl won. I mean go figure, who woulda thought the fat girl could gobble the banana the fastest. I think from now on, Im gonna use the term Banana Gobbler as derogatory term for a dirty whore.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

You Got Served!

So I'm sitting here at my desk staring at this banner ad that has some dude doing a crazy dance looped over & over again. I cant stop staring at it, Its like I'm hypnotized. I'm pretty sure no one dances like this in real life. But It got me thinking, man, dancing is a really weird thing to do. I mean Ive never seen a monkey spontaneously bust into a moonwalk, and thats something I do regularly for no reason at all. Why the fuck do people dance? I mean no other animals do it and it really serves no purpose. Imagine watching a videotape of some cracked out bitches raving with the sound turned off and it suddenly seems pretty ridiculous. The more I think about it the more its disturbing me. I keep thinking of that movie "You got Served" where dudes settle fights by dancing. Imagine if there were monkey wars in the jungle where these monkeys would start doing headspins & shit. Oh man that would be epic. I hope one day national Geographic would film some crazy shit like that. Would totally destroy that "Battle at Kruger" bullshit

*69 and the use of proper phone etiquette

When low class motherfuckers return a missed call and the first thing they demand is " Who is this?" Shit infuriates the fuck outta me. Seriously, You called me! Who the fuck are you? Even if you are just calling back a number from *69 that you missed , the polite & proper way to handle this situation is to say " Hi, I just missed a call from your number, may I help you?" Fuckin redneck trash will always say " Who is this? " what the fuck? makes me so mad. Seriously if you wanted to know who it was you shoulda answered your phone when I called you the first time.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Internet girlfriends and breaking up in the digital age

So im really bumming hard right now. so i met this girl here on the B9 and I was so stoked on her I asked her if she wanted to be my internet gf. Granted Im like 15 years older than she is and about 400 miles away but Ive overcome bigger challenges so i figured Id give it a shot. I wasnt even phased by the fact that she said she doesnt have sex, I mean i did lurk her you tube account and got to watch a pretty dope video of her dancing in some panties. so i figured I might not have to work that hard. Anyway so after flirting back and forth for a few weeks she send me a link to some stick am site, Im an old dude and i dont really understand all theses new fangled fancy internet things, but it was like some kind of web cam setup, so im like hell yeah, maybe im gonna see some boobies. well, anyway there were like 4 dudes logged on , WTF! Like whats goin on? I thought I was suppossed to be her internet bf but there all these dudes logged onto her webcam show. anyway, so i go on the chat & im like " hey babay! i miss you" and she's like what are you talkin about? i guess one of the dudes logged on was her other internet bf or something. I was totally dissed and heartbroken. She totally denied i was her internet bf. And I didnt even get to see her boobs on the internet webcam. I think Im gonna go eat a french bread pizza now to make me feel better

Why we should save our oil reserves

so I hear Rush limbaugh crying about how we need to tap into more of our oil reserves & everyone is complaining because it costs $100 to fill up the tanks in their hummers. But the thing is that we need to save these for an emergency. Like as a last resort. Just because some soccer mom is bummed its expensive to drive her tank to the mall does not constitute an emergency. I think what we need to think about is how in 15 years China or Russia might pull some fuckin Red Dawn shit and I'm gonna be shootin Aks up in the mountains with patrick swayze tryin to kill chinamen and we arent gonna be able to fuel our tanks and jeep 4x4s cuz we were bummed about $4 a gallon gas back in 2008. Seriously. red dawn dudes. think about it.

California Uber allies

This morning started off like most mornings, I woke up, I brushed my teeth, I put on a clean Ralph Lauren button-up dress shirt, extra starch please! Got into my BMW coupe and turned on the sirius satellite radio. Dead Kennedy's are blasting as i drive to my 9 to 5 middle management job. Im moshin. California Uber allies. As I sing along the reality of my situation sets in. What the fuck happened? How did it come to this? I hear Screeching Wasel singing in the back of my head " We become what we hate". I guess it happens to the best of us. Fuck.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

SRS BIZ in my hood

So apparently my neighborhood has gone ape shit crazy this week, and by my neighborhood I mean the 3 streets and 2 cul de sacs in the small lower middle class subdivision where i am a proud homeowner. Anyway Apparently some chick got raped by some black guy who jumped out of the bushes, kicked her ass & then had sex with her, Then the same day the mexican apartments across the road caught on fire, which was pretty exciting, but the real crazy news is not one but two fucking people were attacked by a fox in my neighborhood this week. Yes I said a fucking FOX. They are warning everyone to stay inside. Also the news just informed me its rattlesnake mating season. SRS fuckin BIZNESS!

Vampire Blowjobs

Do you think she would just chomp down on the motherfucker? I mean if I was a girl vampire gettin a dude hard would be the best idea ever cuz all of the blood pumpin into your fuck sausage, as soon as she cut that bitch open blood would spray everywhere. If I was a girl vampire Id do a sexy dance & wiggle my vagina in the air, then Id grab the dudes boner & just bite it enough to cut it on the end, Id probably slap him inthe face or stick my finger in his butt to distract him from me cuttin his boner with my fangs, then you could just suck all the blood out like a giant boner straw. As a dude, I think this would be the best way to die from a vampire bite, You wouldnt notice it until you got light headed & you would be thinking, holy shit this is the best blowjob ever. but really youd just be about to pass out because of lack of blood.